Dating Apps For Actual Relationships

International dating expert Hayley Quinn has long been an advocate for equality in love and dating. Now you can help her spread the word by voting for her SXSW talk Dating Apps: Ruining Romance or Enabling Equality? before August 25.

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Once upon a time maybe your eyes would have crossed paths with the cute guy from the next village as your hands both went for the same loaf of bread; now the second most common way people couple up is through a dating app. Romance has definitely changed: but could this be for the best? Can you find the relationship you want on a dating app?

Dating apps sometimes get a bad reputation for taking the romance out of dating and creating a culture where, because we have so much choice, people are less likely to settle down. As an international dating expert I get asked a lot, “What app or dating site should I use to find love?” So here’s the thing—there’s no magic app where all the relationship-minded people hang out. Technology can’t guarantee lasting love. All dating apps do is help you to meet a larger selection of people. The relationship building is still up to you.

If you’re over 50 and looking to date folks around your age, Lumen may be an excellent dating app choice. The company website says that many of the other options for the over-50 crowd. One of the big problems with online dating for women is that, although there are genuine relationship-seeking men on the sites, there are also plenty of guys on there simply looking for sex.

Let me explain this more and give you some simple steps you can follow to find the relationship you want on a dating app.

1. Dating apps are a platform to meet more people.
Alongside taking that salsa class, and meeting people through friends, dating apps give you a way to meet people that you may never have met in real life. This randomization can be a powerful way to meet a much larger selection of people. And because of that, being clear about what you want will make it easier for you to match with people who want the same things as you.

Some people use apps to date casually, others use apps to look for a long-term partner, and just about everything in-between. Whether you just want some fun or are looking for the one, it’s good to start by being clear with yourself about what you want. This will help you to look out for the right qualities in other people, and communicate clearly with them. If you want a relationship and someone just seems to be interested in meeting you between 9 p.m. and 9 a.m. on a Tuesday night, leave it. Likewise if you want to just have a ‘netflix and chill’ then be upfront about your intentions to attract other people who really like to, er… stay in and watch movies. Take responsibility for choosing people who are looking for similar things as you are from the start, and drop trying to change someone’s mind.

Dating apps may not be able to guarantee happily ever after (that’s a lot to ask from your mobile phone!) but what they do reflect is different people’s different versions of happiness. For some people happiness is a lasting partnership, for others it’s a flirtatious Friday night. Both are equally valid dating goals—as long as you remember to be honest about what you’re looking for.

2. Don’t be afraid to make the first move to meet new people.
(Yes, ladies I mean you.)
One amazing thing about dating in 2017 is that it’s more than ok for women to make the first move. Sure in the past things may have seemed more ‘romantic’ but given a choice between waiting to see who sweeps you off your feet, and being able to create opportunities for yourself, I would take opportunity creation every time. This puts you in the driver’s seat when it comes to the romantic choices you have.

Now you may think that men like the chase and that making a move will scare them off. First of all, if any man doesn’t appreciate a woman being communicative and open to dating, you don’t need that guy! Secondly, stats from the dating site Zoosk show that women who make the first move are often more successful. Women who send messages that give a clear suggestion of a date by mentioning lunch, drinks, or dinner get up to 73% more responses. Men sometimes feel they face an uphill struggle while trying to meet women online who are prepared to get offline. If you show clearly that you’re someone who is on the dating app to date, then you can expect a positive response from the men out there who want the same.

Again this doesn’t guarantee the guy who turns up on that date is a great match for you, or wants the same things, this is why you want to use your communication skills to both state what you want, and hear what the other person wants.

If you want a relationship there’s no shame in saying, “I just don’t believe in double dating, sounds confusing!” or, “For the right person, then yes of course I’d be open to a relationship.” Or if you want to be more carefree then say something like, “Right now I’m just focusing on my career and enjoying new experiences.”

It can be a bit ouchy when you want more than the other person, but rather than seeing dating apps as the culprit, instead recognize that it’s ok for people to want different things, and respect people’s choices… even if you don’t always agree with them.

3. Be honest about who you are to attract the right people.
You may think that by creating a more generic dating profile that you’ll get more matches, which may be true, but this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re the right matches. You can see this right away with how you choose your photo—people with a full body photo (this doesn’t need to be shirtless!) get 203% more messages than those without. This is because full-body photos where someone can see all of you create trust, as they allow people to see you clearly.

The same goes for your profile. You may think that all women want a swashbuckling alpha male who bears more than a passing resemblance to Ryan Gosling. But you may be surprised to hear that men with the word thoughtful in their profiles get 66% more messages. As times are changing so do our expectations of what an attractive person is. People are looking for different types of relationships and because of that different qualities in men and women can be appreciated. Sure you’re never going to impress everyone, but if you create a profile full of your quirks, personality, and qualities you’ll get better quality matches, and people who are really interesting in you and the thing you’re passionate about.

The world of dating apps has given us more options—more choice over who to date and the relationships we form. They have reflected how society is changing so that many different versions of identity, partnerships, and paths to happiness now exist. It does mean our love lives have grown more complex, but it has restored a lot of our freedom as individuals to choose how we live, and explore who we are.

If you’re interested in hearing more about how dating apps are shaping and reflecting our relationships, I would appreciate your vote for my upcoming SXSW talk. To learn more and vote for my talk Dating Apps: Ruining Love Or Enabling Equality? check out my PanelPicker page.

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Dating Apps For Actual Relationships Women

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Bailee Harris

News writer

bharris4@unca.edu

Dating apps remain a popular method of mingling on-campus during the pandemic, especially near Valentine’s Day according to UNC Asheville students.

“Two weeks prior to Valentine’s Day is definitely when I would be on more,” said Ryan Rodriguez, UNCA engineering student.

Rodriguez said his usage of dating apps such as Tinder and Grindr went up when the pandemic first started as a way to safely continue socializing. The UNCA sophomore said despite his usage of dating apps, he does not feel they positively impact his life.

“I don’t really see any pros coming out of dating apps,” Rodriguez said.

Paula Zerfoss, a licensed clinical social worker and couples therapist in Asheville, said dating relationships have changed depending on if people met before or during the pandemic. The couples therapist said she sees people rushing relationships because of the quarantine and it leads to positive or negative outcomes for couples.

“Because of the suddenness in which everyone had to go inside, you know — indoors, people were forced into making decisions that they likely would not have made until maybe a year or two years down the road,” she said.

Ethan Donah, UNCA freshman, said he uses dating apps often on-campus as a way to meet new people and said he believes there are benefits to online dating services.

“Having access to people long-distance is good,” Donah said. “Also, I just find it easier to talk to people first online and over text messages rather than meeting them in person because for me it makes it a little less anxiety inducing.”

Zerfoss said meeting online can be helpful for people who have shy personalities and are not as likely to interact with a stranger in person. She said it gives some people the opportunity to create romantic relationships where they otherwise would not have time.

“At least if you’re on a dating app, you know everyone is looking to date someone. That’s not to say there are not people who present themselves in one way and something else is going on,” Zerfoss said.

Donah said dating apps can be disappointing when individuals behave inappropriately or have intentions contrary to his. The freshman said awkward situations can arise on dating apps because of the anonymity they can provide.

“Really creepy people, depending on what app you’re on, might hit you up and it gets very awkward. Or, you might be looking for a legitimate relationship, or you’re using the app for like friends and stuff if you’re new to an area, and they will just want to have sex with you,” the UNCA freshman said.

Zerfoss said meeting organically has advantages because you can evaluate the other person and get to know them better. The couples therapist said people are motivated at first by physical appearance.

“When you see somebody physically, it makes a difference. When you are online, you get a chance to interpret your own physical appearance. You get to pick the photograph, you also get to describe yourself however you want to describe yourself,” Zerfoss said.

The couples therapist said meeting someone online initially presents the best parts of that person and what they think will make them attractive to others, not what they may be like in a committed relationship.

“It takes a while to get to know somebody. There is no substitute for time,” Zerfoss said.

Rodriguez said one of his biggest drawbacks about dating apps are the dangerous situations which can occur on the apps. The UNCA sophomore said he is always cautious about other people on dating apps.

Best Dating Apps For Long Term Relationships

“A lot of the dating apps now, some like criminal stuff has happened now, like people being lured in and sex trafficking and all of that, that is definitely one of the big problems now. There is a constant anxiety worrying about that,” the engineering student said.

Donah said the reliance on dating apps due to the pandemic has not changed the way he meets others and online services are the best way for him to meet other people on campus.

“Being a gay person, the only way that I meet other gay people is usually online whether it is through an actual dating app or through Instagram, or something like that,” Donah said.

According to Beatrice Gratz, a UNCA psychology student, using dating apps has changed the way she perceives romantic relationships.

“Somehow, a serious relationship feels even less attainable,” Gratz said.

Zerfoss emphasized the importance of learning patience for relationships and not to be afraid to set boundaries if something does not feel right in a relationship. The couples therapist said she advises people out in the dating world during the pandemic to not lose heart because romantic relationships are here to stay.

“Don’t give up. A satisfying, secure, emotional connection is the best connection against many things — against disease, against emotional ups and downs, it gives you a safe harbor. And, the more somebody knows who you really are and accepts you, and the more you accept them as they really are, the more intimate and safer the relationship will be and I think that is so important,” Zerfoss said.